Tomorrow is going to be one of the saddest days of my life... :(

I wish I knew how to play the violin.

This weather is so amazingggg...but it would be even more amazing if the sun would shine. I absolutely love dressing warm and taking walks when the air is crisp and cold but the warm sun is shining on my face.

I wish there were a place that I could sing without anyone hearing. It would make me feel much more accomplished and satisfied. I don't know why.

I want to carve a pumpkin, but it would get smashed :(

My kidneys feel better, but I have a feeling they aren't actually healed.

I want to go some place I haven't been in a long time, like Colorado or Canada. It would be nice to go by myself and get lost for a while. But I'd get lonely.

I have so many projects and things I should be working on, but I'm not. I just want to enjoy this October weather and take time to heal physically and give my brain a rest.

There really is no purpose for this blog. I have no idea why I even started it. ahaha.

Complaint about Marcus Schwimmer...

...YOU NEVER UPDATE YOUR BLOG ANYMORE. :'(

I've had one of the worst weeks ever in a long time. The weekend wasn't so great either. 

But if you're lucky enough, you're surrounded by people who know how to make everything better, even if they have no idea. It's funny how just the right words can save you.

And I realized that today.

It's funny how I can get so stressed out about schoolwork and exams, then get migraines because I'm stressed out, then get waaay more stressed out because I have those migraines and it makes it that much harder to study and do homework. 

I just want one week to get out of town, go somewhere that I've been longing to go, and just enjoy myself and my surroundings.

I could really use a hot spring right about now.

I never know what to write about anymore.

I apologize for the lack of posting, but if I don't have some quality 'me' time I can't think or put my thoughts in to words the way I want. 

I've been saying for years that I need a ferret in my life, and I finally have him! While he may stink and take craps where I don't want him to take craps, he is so wonderful and adorable. When he's asleep, nothing in the entire world could be cuter or more relieving. I feel like other people think I've made a bad decision getting a ferret because they're smelly and a lot of work to take care of, and I'm also only a sophomore in college and have to take care of this little beast for 8 more years. But I love the responsibility, and I might also be a little obsessed with animals. Sometimes I feel like they get me better than any human could. I also like that they are completely dependent on me because I know that someone really does need me....not to sound like no one needs me around, but I guess it's reassuring. I don't know. A fact about me: I used to want to be a vet (like every other kid) but then I found out that would involve blood and cutting living creatures open. Yuck. I'd never be able to handle it.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a plane to Africa, or any other third world country, but Africa seems to be the one I'm obsessed with lately. But it could never be that easy. 

I hate that not everyone has the opportunity for a great life... that so many people die every day because they aren't able to get sufficient food or a place to stay the night. I know it happens in america, but there is way more opportunity here to get oneself out of that hole than in a third world country. I hate seeing people who are helpless and hurting that can't do anything about it. I hate everyone in this country for being so wealthy and selfish and ignorant. I mean, there was a 23-year war in Uganda that barely anyone here knows about. And would they even care?

I'm depressing myself.

I really, really want to get out of Michigan. 

Package me up and send me back to this, please.

Give me the wrench.

"I know what it's about.

It's just as much the rise as it is the fury of the crash.

It's truly understanding hen you have nothing to lose.

It's the passion of young kids with rocks and bats wearing football helmets chanting and screaming with tears in their eyes and lumps in their throats for equality and for what's right.

It's shameless.

It's the one thing you can comfortably say you'll never, ever regret.

It's the shiver down the spine the first time you draw a big fat X on the back of your hand.

It's what propels the words "fuck it" out of your mouth and through your teeth when throwing caution and your heart into the wind.

It's the tears that well up when you hear the words "I did this all for you". 

It's the moment you lose all composure when you're lying face to face on a bed in a dark room and you say "I love you so fucking hard" and doing your best to push that feeling on to their lips with the passion and intensity of nothing you could ever read in any book.

It's racing through the streets so fast your eyes become slits and your cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

It's alone nights when you turn off the tv, sit back into the couch, spread your arms out and say, "I am the luckiest person alive."

It's responding with the word "awesome" when asked how you've been...and knowing you've never been more sure of anything else in your life.

It's laughing in the faces of everyone who thought you would have thrown in the towel by now.

It's the light that shines from your best friend's face the moment they realize you are doing your best at being the best friend you could possibly be.

It's being born under a bad sign into a broken family into a broken life and having the ability to look in the mirror while brushing your teeth and truly understanding you live a blessed and beautiful life despite what was expected of you.

It's being ugly inside but fighting it tooth and nail everyday with pure and radiant intentions.

It's making mistakes and realizing that for each and every mistake you made that you've given yourself one more chance to start over.

It's beating the odds.

It's taking the wrench over the belt, because fuck them.

It's going outside and feeling the sun on your face because some little girl is lying in a hospital bed dying from cancer at this very moment and would kill for what you take for granted.

It's knowing how to live a wonderful life without sacrificing the happiness of another.

It's taking pride in the friends you have because they are better and faster and cleaner and more authentic than you will ever be.

It's because you know that you always surround yourself with inspiration and motivation.

It's in the moment of freedom you feel when you stand a bit taller and raise your chest and chin because you know none of these fuckers have killed you yet...

because no matter how hard they tried to break you and smudge you and hate you and make you feel guilty for your life you know that your heart has taken everything they had.

Every word.

Every "I don't love you anymore".

Every "You won't make it".

Every "You're too ugly"...

and you kept marching to the sound of grinding teeth, the steps of your two feet that somehow kept moving and the pounding of your golden heart.

Because we're all still here.

You. Me. Us. All of us.

Marching.

Together.

No matter what these fuckers have thrown.

You go down swinging.

Because I would for each and every one of you.

And that's what it's about.

The spirit of the Fuck You."

Sometimes I think I should just keep my mouth shut

 So I went to the dentist today to get a cavity fixed and now I can barely open my mouth. 

Ouchies.

:(

I'm thinking Tiffany's could cure this

I believe something is wrong with me.

I've tried to keep myself busy

but no matter what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with, I'm lonely and useless.

I have tried doing things for other people. nothing.

Tried doing things for myself, things that I've wanted to do for a while. nothing.

Nothing feels right if you're not here and I'm not there.

I'm glad you're keeping busy and happy, but I can't help but be selfish sometimes.

I feel I cannot function properly without you.

I don't know if that's needy and pitiful

or if that's the way it's supposed to feel.

But I'm feeling it.

And it's the most depressing thing ever.

But no matter if I feel this way right now, everything will be right as it should. I just need to learn some fucking patience and wait.

"Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling...

I want a ferret, and I found the perfect one. It's just the wrong time.

It's a good thing we don't always get what we want.

I saw Wall-e today. Cutest movie ever.

Saturday can't come fast enough. Thinking about what lies ahead gets the blood pumping in my veins and super hyped up.

I need more exercise.

Sorry my posts are constantly lacking of anything important.

...I'm calling at night, I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?

She's been running through my dreams and it's driving me crazy, it seems

I'm going to ask her to marry me."

It's okay to be okay with being okay.

I should really be sleeping.

But I'm really excited because... 

1. I'm putting my two weeks notice in tomorrow

2. it's August! Only 23 more days until I'm back in Adrian. I couldn't be more stoked.

It's also really difficult to sleep without a door. I'm still in the midst of painting the chaos known as my bedroom. 

I've begun packing for Adrian already. I hope most of August flies by like July did.

I wasted $96 on the American Apparel website. I have a problem with wanting to buy everything that looks comfy or cute.

I read through some old "diary" entries from a couple years ago. I am certainly not gifted with with a paper and pen, but jeeze was it depressing. I threw most of the pages away, except for strange dreams... like Pete Wentz dreams.... bahahhaha! If anyone read those, I'd be mortified.

"Sleepless in Seattle, and pretty much everywhere else."

Sometimes I wish I was still in high school so my immaturity would be excusable.

I've noticed that all my sentences being with "I"

Summer celebration is so loud I can hear it from my house. I'm glad I'm not there.

Went shopping today after church. I bought the cutest dress but paid too much for it, even on sale. I'm succhhh a cheap ass. 

I hadn't been to church in like... two months. I've missed it a little. 

I burned my arm the other day at work. There will be an ugly scar. This makes me extremely sad.

I'm preparing to strip the wallpaper in my room and repaint it. I couldn't be more thrilled. 

I wish toilet seats were more comfortable.

Just a list.

- I cannot waaaait to go back to Adrian. I'm so ready to not get yelled at for asking simple questions. 

- I took a shower in the dark last night.

- Work sucks. My feet smell like malt vinegar when the day is through.

- I seriously considered sending information to American Apparel for a modeling job. If the photo shoots weren't in Los Angeles or NYC, I would have done it in a heart beat.

- I need a trim.

- As soon as I lose my love handles, I'm getting a tattoo of a red bow.

- I want a small cupcake tattoo on my big toe.

- I need more ear piercings.

Nothing interesting to say lately, je suis desole.

That's french for "I'm sorry."

but please remember me, my misery and how it lost me all i wanted

The bags under my eyes are the size of canyons. Can't seem to get enough sleep for these big brown eyes.

Been listening to a lot of acoustic music lately. It's been a while. It's encouraging me to start being artistic again - both musically and with pencil and paper. I haven't drawn a portrait in a long time... not sure why. Also been a while since I've touched a guitar. Still waiting on mine to get fixed. I need to practice piano for real this time instead of guessing.

If you get the chance, check out Iron and Wine, and not just the cover of Such Great Heights.

"honey is for bees, silly bear
besides theres jelly beans everywhere
its not what it seems, in the land of dreams 
dont worry your head just go to sleep
doesnt matter how you feel
lifes just a ferris wheel
its always up and down, dont make a sound
when you wake up the world will come around
its just sweet weather and peacock feathers
in the morning itll all be better
dont worry your head just go to sleep."

I'm so tired. I feel like my body and my head need a week of rest, but I love working. I like having something to do for the majority of the day and feeling like I am needed somewhere. 

Today I was sent home early because there were too many employees working. I expected a nice, calm day filled with napping, a little grocery shopping, and movie watching. Instead, I got talked into going to my future sister-in-law's bridal shower for three hours, helping my mom with her hairstyle for the wedding, fetching food, and spending minimal time with my family. Not what I had expected at all. I usually like being busy, but sometimes I need to take a breather and have some 'me' time. 

Since this is like a journal to me, I am going to do some ranting. 

Perry and I usually talk on the phone every night for at least a couple of hours. Lately, we've been getting into stupid fights and have nothing left but awkward silences and a little bit of whining here and there before we say goodnight. This is upsetting because it is over dumb things that aren't worth getting into an argument over and leave us both with hurt feelings. Personally, I don't like going to bed angry or upset, so I can't just get off the phone and go to bed without them getting resolved, while he can and wake up in the morning just fine as if nothing ever happened. It's just really awkward. I hate the phone. We've also been talking about some very serious things... future plans. This doesn't just include the possibility of a promise ring, engagement rings and wedding bands, and a wedding in general, but Perry's future career. He wants so badly to be a senator, but for some reason doesn't think it's going to happen. I have all the faith in the world that it could, but no matter how much I encourage him, he doesn't believe me. He also complains about how he's bored and lonely, but all he does is work minimal hours at Wendy's, watch tv and movies, and play video games. He doesn't do anything for anyone else (not to say he's selfish). But I've found that doing things for other people, even if you don't know them - nor will you ever know them, is the most fulfilling thing in the world you can do. I tried suggesting that to him tonight and he got all weird on me. We had already been upset at each other over him not listening when I was talking, and this just made it worse. I don't know what to say to him anymore. 

I've come to a loss for words, and I'm exhausted and I can't comprehend anything I just wrote, so I may edit this later and finish it. Maybe not.

Summer vacation is going by so slowly. I want the pace to quicken, I'm tired of being at home. 

A few weeks ago, before work began, I picked up a book at B&N that is quite amazing. It's called "Mr. Muo's Traveling Couch" and it's by the same author that wrote the phenomenal novel "Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress". I have not finished it yet, as I've been working, but I definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a good read.

Work is fantastic, I love getting out of the house, but it does quite a number on my feet. Not being allowed to sit down for six or seven hours is tough. I can't even imagine when the real season begins and I work for 12+ hours a day, five days a week.

I've run out of things to say. I'm really terrible with blogs.

There is only a week left in this semester...AHH! And I'm not even stressing anymore! All of my projects are done, I have one take home exam, and one exam on wednesday and then my dad is coming on friday to pick me up and take home all of my crap. I'm ready to not have a room mate for a couple of months, except my kitty, of course. 

I kind of don't want to leave, though, because I will miss my freedom of doing whatever I want, when I want. I will also miss my friends. It's funny how you spend all of elementary, middle, and high school with the same people, seeing them every school day and getting to know them really well, yet I find myself so much more attached to the people I've only known for say... seven months. Not seeing them for a few months is going to be so dull...

I went to the Toledo Zoo today with some members of CAN. That zoo is crap. There are no pandas. 

I feel like I need a completely new hair style and cut, but I don't want to cut it all off.

Serais ce possible alors ?

Three projects. Two exams. One speech. It's been a shitty two weeks, but now it's over! I'm so excited to relax, listen to jazz, re-arrange the furniture, and watch old movies. I'm burnt from tanning and I love it! 

The weather the past couple days has been absolutely gorgeous and it's sparking my creative juices...I want to go for a walk with my camera and just soak in the beauty of nature and maybe capture it on camera. Maybe if the wind dies down.

That is all.

Did you ever have the feeling there's a wasket in your basket?

I don't have anything to say yet. First blogs are poop.